The Downside to Seaside
MALIBU, CA - The newly constructed Seaside residence hall is composed of a sprawling, three-building, five-story complex that houses 458 Seaver College students and 136 underground, low-cost laborers. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors living in the top four stories have access to a community kitchen, gym, common room, two laundry rooms, and incredible coastal views.
Junior Alyssa Wagner said, “I like being here, but sometimes it can get noisy with the track and soccer field right outside the window and the occasional screams from the basement.”
Sophomore Connor West enjoys being able to cook in the kitchen with his suitemates every few nights for their Bible study, but he has some complaints.
West said, “Sometimes, when we are trying to really dive into Songs of Solomon, we get distracted by very loud mechanical sounds and pleas for help. Every now and then, the lights will flicker or go out for a bit.”
The head of Seaside development, Charles Finch, has addressed increasing concerns about the reported wailings and metallic crashes.
Finch said, “In an endeavor to ‘go green’, we were very intentional with our Seaside design: solar-powered automatic sinks, motion-sensor lights, hall arrangement conducive of natural airflow, and power-generating labor cranks.”
With the recent increase of large-scale retail store closures, Pepperdine has taken the opportunity to hire the jobless to do menial work for less than minimum wage in an effort to cut down carbon emissions and minimize room and board costs.
Finch said, “In exchange for unlimited access to the cafeteria’s food waste disposal center and $0.76 an hour, 136 laborers efficiently provide power to the entire building by rotating large gears and running in giant wheels. The leaked body fluids are then re-purposed into our irrigation system. Because of our efforts, we were able to lower Seaside room and board to the low cost of $12,400 a year!” This price is—of course—excluding the campus life fee, community utility fee, gym insurance fee, worker harassment fee, kitchen supply fee, elevator maintenance fee, “Go Green” initiative fee, and limited parking fee.
