Pepperdine Students May Now Masturbate Once Per Month
- C. P. Stacy
- May 1, 2018
- 2 min read
MALIBU, CA - A landmark change in student policy came about Pepperdine University this Saturday, after Pepperdine Public Relations sent out a school wide email notifying students they will now be sanctioned to masturbate once per month. The email described how this progressive shift in policy came to fruition after a push from student government officials and many negotiations with the alumni donors. A representative from the administrative board said, “We noted how the social atmosphere in California had been veering in this direction for years and that Pepperdine most certainly not only had to adapt, but find some middle ground in between this surge of west coast liberalism and Pepperdine’s long standing traditional Christian values.” Attached in the email was a long pdf guidebook for students who should chose to take advantage of this brazen new policy. The guidebook offers rules regarding a wide variety of topics in what some would call the recreational activity, including appropriate subjects to have in one’s mind during the bout. It also lists the restricted times of days in which students are not allowed to indulge themselves, most notably the hours between 2 and 4 am, commonly known as “The Witching Hour.”
Student opinion has so far been divided. One sophomore student who asked to remain anonymous has gone on the record as saying, “The school is still way behind but this is a start.” He elaborated his tempered dissatisfaction, citing how he is not happy with “the 300 page manual you need to read to go about pleasuring oneself in the least sinful way possible” and “the fact DPS will be called once [a student] exceeds [his or her] monthly limit.”
Sophomore Jack O’Dowd, 20, when interviewed, gave a more enthusiastic response, stating, “When you wait a whole month it makes it so much better.”
Expressing opinion on the opposite side of the spectrum, junior Ray Howell, 21, said, “I will still refuse to shake the devil’s hand, even if Pepperdine administration wants me to.” He further commented, “This is not the same school I applied to.”
At press time, sources reported every student sighing in unison upon reading the stipulation that students who opt to use this new privilege are required to attend two extra convocations per semester.
