God Brings About Ten Plagues upon Pepperdine, All Campus Operations Normal

MALIBU, CA - Thursday, as the fountains all over university grounds ran red and the water bottle-refueling stations began dispensing blood, sources confirmed Pepperdine’s Seaver campus was experiencing the ten plagues of Egypt.

Responding quickly to this development, Pepperdine’s Public Relations Office sent off an email to students, faculty, and staff that reads, “Pepperdine University officials continue to monitor several of the plagues, from the frogs and locust swarming campus to the diseased deer. At this time, all University campuses remain open and classes will continue as regularly scheduled. If conditions change, University officials will update the community as soon as possible.”

The developing and unceasing thunderstorm that brought with it deathly hail forced officials to close down part of the Pacific Coast Highway — one of the busiest highways in the country — for an indefinite period, and clear all roads for evacuation within a ten mile radius of the campus, as lightning struck down Pepperdine’s iconic cross tower. Sources, who as of press time had been stricken with festering boils, reported this to be the worst storm in Pepperdine since it became a university.

On the college grounds, students are instructed to attend classes as normal and await further updates and instructions should the situation worsen in any way.

“Firefighters and other emergency teams are in a desperate race to contain and prevent any more damage to the campus, although we are up against God’s wrath and that is pretty difficult to combat,” said LAFD Deputy Chief Ryan Close. “I’m really not sure what we’re supposed to be doing here anyway.”

As the sky turned a horrid, mucky dark blue that blotted out the sun, Pepperdine Public Relations Office released another email to the students, faculty, and staff, this time saying, “We are preparing for Drescher to be used as the Incident Command Post if needed. As there is minimal structural damage, all campus operations will remain normal. Road condition information is available on the University's Road Condition hotline at 310.506.ROAD (7623).”

Before leaving with the rest of the first responders, Deputy Chief Close suggested students, faculty, and staff should, “Mark [their] doors with lamb’s blood.”