Student Can’t Think of Any Stories that Don’t Involve Alcohol or Crying Himself to Sleep to Tell Par

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Having just returned home for Thanksgiving break, Pepperdine freshman Brady Mulligan told reporters he had a difficult time at the dinner table after his parents prompted him to tell stories of his time in at the university.

“I had just begun one story I thought was pretty fun, when I realized it involved my friends and I hiding our booze from the cops at the beach,” said Mulligan, who had reportedly stopped his story two sentences in before closing with, “And that was pretty much it.”

Sources say his parents kept pestering him for more details about his adventures in Malibu, but Mulligan couldn’t come up with anything outside of shotgunning beers and lying in his bed in the nameless hours of the night, with his head buried in his tear-soaked pillow.

“Nothing ‘Pepperdine-appropriate' could come to mind,” said Mulligan. “I’m certainly not about to bring up how I once got so drunk I vomited all over the common room floor and didn’t remember it the next morning, or how the next night I lay still in the darkness and demanded God tell me why my heart is an ravine of darkness where nothing grows anymore and seemingly nothing ever will again.”

At press time, Mulligan had began telling his parents a seemingly harmless story about his friends and him getting boba on a midnight run, before realizing they spiked their boba with Kahlua and Mulligan spent the rest of the evening lying in bed, cursing his fate.